Day 12: Grief Isn’t Always a Death

Sometimes It’s the Loss of Who You Were

Title: Barely Holding On.

A couple days ago I mentioned “grief, briefly, today I'll talk just a bit about it. I'm not going in depth here about Elisabeth Kubler Ross's “Five Stages of Grief ” because honestly, my grief was in varying stages not mentioned in her book. I never needed to bargain, I was never in “denial”, I accepted that I suffered a stroke and things would be “different”. And, immediately I accepted that I'd needed to “reinvent” myself. Got it!

I grieved the woman I used to be. The woman who was a night owl, could “hang” all night without experiencing fatigue within minutes. I grieved my independence. Being able to fly/travel without fear of suffering another stroke. Being able to drive, eithout people freaking out! Today I'm tethered to what most know as “dog-tags” a necklace that alerts someone of my situation and emergency contact. 😌

But day by day, I’m learning to celebrate the woman I am now.

Grief shows up in unexpected ways. Most people associate it with the death of a loved one, but as someone who studied Death Education during graduate school, I’ve come to understand grief in a deeper, more nuanced way.

After my stroke, I grieved someone too: me.

The me who used to move freely without a second thought. The me who didn’t need help to walk, talk, or eat, or drive. The me who could type effortlessly, paint toenails with ease, and go all day without naps. I grieved the woman who once was. And honestly? Some days I still do.

But today I choose to celebrate the woman I am becoming.

I’m reminded of a client I worked with years ago—she had injured herself on the job and lost the use of her dominant hand. She was devastated, terrified. Not just for herself, but for her newborn at home. How would she care for him? For herself?

We used therapeutic art in our sessions to help her move through her grief. I remember gently guiding her left hand, helping her make swirls, circles, and lines—simple, but full of emotion. That memory just brought tears to my eyes. Not from sadness alone, but from a place of deep gratitude. I got to walk beside her on that journey. And now, I see myself in her. I’ve become both the guide and the one who needs guiding.

Grief is real, even when it isn’t about death. Losing the version of yourself that once existed can be just as painful—and just as worthy of mourning.

But in the letting go, there’s also space for becoming.

And that’s where I am now: becoming. I'm a little choked up now, let me take a moment. Breathe Michelle, breathe! Im okay. I'm ok. Im enjoying who I am becoming: an artist now and I love it! Ok, back to you. . .

Creative Assignment:

Today, write a short letter to your “former self.” Of course, I'm giving you gentle creative assignments I've given myself. Hint, hint. 😉

From that letter, honor what you wrote. Acknowledge the grief, if any. Then, write one sentence welcoming the version of you that is emerging.

Today, be ok with the version of yourself that is staring back at you.

I'd love to hear if you’ve done this assignment. Please feel free to share your thoughts ☺️

With gentleness, your Artist Friend, Michelle Joy Brown

Your financial support really does go towards helping this artist purchase supplies to continue painting and entering exhibitions as well as selling art. I'm a full-time artist now, all monies I earn supports my continued journey.

Thank you for your support and love. 🥰🥰

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